After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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