im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need to calm my uterus...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
