mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
