Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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