So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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