i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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