I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
