I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
