Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
