Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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