ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
