So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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