i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
