Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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