I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
