Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
