so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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