Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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