I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
