Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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