Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
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She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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