I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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