i think my tv is drunk
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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