who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize