don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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