Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think my moral compass just broke
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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