she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Randomize
