the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize