My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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