I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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