Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
