Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
