His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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