I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Bring me that man meat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
