how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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