That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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