You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
