I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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