Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
All I want is dick and wine.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
