Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
