i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Randomize
