I puked a lego.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
