I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
