So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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