i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
