I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
