Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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