I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
