well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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