My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You ruined the universe
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