Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
