I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
