mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
