Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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